2) Guidelines for Engaging in Difficult Conversations
Unfortunately, when it comes to biblical studies, you will likely encounter someone who interprets the Bible differently than you do. I guarantee as you go through this study, some of the topics will challenge you. This is especially true for more seasoned Christians. That is one of the reasons why the entire first module is related to laying foundational principles. These foundational building blocks get us into a good headspace or mindset.
It is essential, as believers, that we are comfortable engaging in difficult conversations. We must also do so in a way that respects the other person and strives to keep the conversation civil. So, in this lesson, we will discuss twelve guidelines/principles for having tough conversations.
I got the content for this from a podcast called Two Messianic Jews. These guidelines are something that the creators of Two Messianic Jews developed after having conversations with people during their college and grad school training. They found that by sticking to these guidelines, the conversations were amazing. It allows the conversations to be productive. They decided to share these tips with everyone so that we can all learn and have much better conversations with people who disagree. I find myself in many discussions and think the strategies we will discuss are essential for navigating those difficult conversations.
Keep in mind that these are guidelines. You can do your best to practice these, but it will take time to follow these guidelines well. It is okay if you fail. You will most likely fail at all of these at times. However, effective communication is essential if you want to engage in conversation with people with differing opinions.
Principle #1
1) The foundational principle that will support the other guidelines is that the goal of the conversation should be a shared pursuit of truth. Pursuing truth is more important than proving your point. Don't go into a conversation to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong. Your goal should be to get closer to the truth. This principle supports and is the foundation for everything else discussed. So keep that in mind.
Principle #2
2) The following principle is to seek to understand before being understood. This principle can be challenging to put into practice. Make sure you know what the other person means. If unsure, ask them, "What do you mean by this?" Try to repeat what you think they're saying back to them. If they confirm your interpretation is correct, then you can move on. If they don't confirm, try again. It becomes two people talking past each other without a mutual understanding of what the other person is saying.
Principle #3
3) The following principle is to be open to the fact that they could be the ones with a truth you don't have in conversation. Maimonides, a renowned Jewish philosopher, emphasizes the importance of focusing on truth rather than the identity of the speaker. In "The Guide for the Perplexed," Maimonides discusses the idea that truth should be the ultimate goal, and one should not dismiss a statement simply based on the identity or status of the speaker. He encourages individuals to evaluate ideas based on their merit and validity.
Jordan Peterson, a Canadian psychologist, and professor, has expressed that when engaging in conversations or debates, it is beneficial to assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't. This perspective encourages intellectual humility and openness to learning from others, even if you may disagree with them. You'd rather hear where they're correct than where they're wrong at the end of the day.
Principle #4
4) The following principle is not to assume anything about a person's moral character or intellectual position based on hearsay or stereotypes. Listen to the individual. You may pre-judge someone based on stereotypes. Some of the stereotypes may be right or wrong. The other person may share something that may completely surprise you. Don't assume the beliefs of the person you are talking to.
Principle #5
5) The following principle is that just because you could point out that someone is biased doesn't mean they're wrong. Everyone has a bias. We are human. We are all biased. A bias can be a good thing. How? A bias allows you to see things you may not have seen had you not been biased in that direction. An example that the podcast Two Messianic Jews discussed was related to the apostle Paul. In the scholarly world, for many centuries, Christian scholars reading the New Testament have not seen Paul as a Torah-observant Jew. But when Jewish scholars in the late 20th century read the New Testament, they saw Paul as a Torah-observant Jew. And that comes from their bias of being Jewish scholars. This same phenomenon has also happened with scholarship looking at Jesus. These Jewish scholars, biased toward seeing the New Testament in a certain way, can see things many Christian scholars have overlooked. And this is a benefit.
This biased reality is why it's so important to think not only for yourself but also with other people and talk to different people because they have biases that will expose your blind spots. They will catch things that you miss. You don't need to become entrenched in your bias. Your biases can shift and change over time.
Principle #6
6) The following principle to remember when engaging in conversations is to remember that talking is thinking. When having a conversation, we are voicing an opinion. And this may be an opinion that you've never actually vocalized before. It's more of a thought floating around in your brain and sounds perfect, but when you speak it, it is difficult to articulate. And perhaps now that you are saying it out loud, it makes you question whether you really believe it. An essential part of understanding that this can happen to you is realizing that this can also happen to someone else.
Try to allow this realization to enable you to have an attitude of mercy and grace whenever someone speaks. They may have not fully formulated their view. Their words may be the first time they have tried articulating their thoughts.
In our current world, we see information daily through our phones, television, and the people we interact with. We often don't take a moment to think. This principle of talking and thinking is something that we can employ. Some of my "aha moments" have come through thinking out loud by myself in the car or the shower. You don't have to practice this with someone else; you can do it alone. However, it is nice to have someone you can think with and sort through the issues with.
Most people intuitively understand this principle in the context of friendship. It's like being a sounding board for your friend; they want to unload all their emotions or talk about an issue.
Principle #7
7) The following principle is feeling uncomfortable is often a good thing. It's a good thing because it means a weakness in your position. By exposing this weakness, you will naturally feel uncomfortable. That is okay. Our goal is the pursuit of truth. Truth is more important than proving our point. Being awkward is good because you're getting closer to the truth. If your argument has a problem, drop that view, and you can get closer to the truth.
Alternatively, being uncomfortable could indicate that you're having a meaningful discussion. You're testing ideas that you've never voiced before. Just because a person disagrees with you, you feel uncomfortable. You may even interpret their disagreement as a judgment on you as a person, but that's not necessarily the case.
If you are bothered in a conversation, ask yourself why. Did the other person make a good point? Did you realize that you didn't make a good point? Follow that disturbance because this leads to true thinking and discovery and more complex thoughts and opinions. It is easy to fail at this one because nobody likes being uncomfortable.
Principle #8
8) The following principle/guideline is that you can passionately hold to an opinion while still listening, understanding, and being open to the contrary. It is possible to state your case clearly with confidence, passion, and emotion while listening, understanding, and being open to the contrary.
Principle #9
9) The following principle is that you should understand how easy it is to be wrong. The podcast's creators, Two Messianic Jews, described how one was working on a project, reading 30-plus different sources about a particular topic. He said that every time he read a new author, they would make excellent points and have outstanding arguments despite their position being different than another author's opinion. He realizes that many of these authors are making excellent points and thinks they all cannot be right despite making good arguments for their positions.
After reading several authors, he had this moment where he realized the people he was reading, who dedicate their lives to studying this stuff, experienced the most training, are the most equipped, the most intelligent people on these topics, and some of them are wrong. They have to be incorrect because not all of them can be right. And if these scholars and experts can be mistaken, how easy it is for us to be wrong, someone who hasn't spent their life devoted to a single area of study? Understanding this reality should, in some ways, humble you into being merciful when hearing someone else's opinion.
If you can, take time to see all the different opinions. And that gives you an appreciation of how difficult it is to find truth. When you see all the perspectives and viewpoints on a topic, you may have started confidently seeking truth. Still, you may experience the Dunning-Krueger effect by the end of your journey. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias that refers to a phenomenon where individuals with low ability at a particular task overestimate their ability. In simpler terms, people who are less skilled or knowledgeable in a specific area tend to believe they are more competent than they are.
A fascinating correlation exists between confidence level and the amount of research/time spent developing an opinion. People who do a little bit of research, for example, look something up on Google, feel they have certainty and clarity about a research topic. They may feel they know everything they need and their opinion is valid. And so you get this feeling that you know everything because you feel that satisfaction of finding an answer. But then, as you do more research, reading different people's perspectives, your confidence level in what you believe to be true decreases. But then, as you power past that, you follow the disturbance; you continue to think and talk with others, and your confidence level rises again. And when you devote a lot of time and study to a particular area, by the end, you get to a place where you have high confidence in what you believe to be true. But even then, you may not be as confident as the person who did a Google search. So, understanding how easy it is to be wrong gives you a level of humility and understanding, enabling you to be open to other people's opinions.
I experienced the Dunning-Krueger effect when attempting to understand Paul's relationship with the Torah. The first time I encountered the idea that Paul could have remained Jewish after his encounter with Jesus left me with many questions. The idea that he was Torah observant conflicted with so many passages in his epistles. And I would read authors who would argue about his Jewishness and Torah observance. Then, I would read authors who believed the opposite. Pretty soon, I felt like I didn't know the truth and thought no one knew the truth! But the more I studied the topic and articulated thoughts with others, the more I started to see things differently. I eventually came to a point where I felt more confident in my position and opinion again.
In reality, it is hard to understand the answer to a specific question, especially regarding biblical questions. There is so much debate and opinions on scripture. It is often hard to know who is correct and who is not. Realizing this can keep you humble as you seek truth. We should also recognize that everyone engaged in a conversation could be wrong. The goal should not be for everyone to prove they are correct, but the goal should be to get closer to the truth.
Principle #10
10) The following principle is to understand that admitting you're wrong is not a display of weakness but courage. Admitting you're wrong is hard. It feels like we have a character flaw. It's not a problem with your character. It shows that you have good character. It's shows that you're courageous. It shows that you are human. Admitting you are wrong is difficult, but it can garner respect from the other person, as it shows that you are human and have the courage to pursue truth.
But also, if someone makes an excellent point, an outstanding response to an argument you're making, that doesn't mean you are wrong. You can research and think about the argument more. You can start researching more into the other person's perspective. This effort will get you closer to the truth.
And another point to make: if you don't know the answer to a question or you don't know a response to a statement, don't act like you do. Do try thinking on your feet and come up with an answer to a question you've never heard before. But know your limits, and don't be afraid to admit that you don't know and will have to look into it more. Honesty goes a long way.
Principle #11
11) The following principle is to state what you believe to be correct as precisely as possible. Try your best to articulate what you think for your sake, but it is also so that the person you're talking to can better understand you. The only way to be understood is to be understandable. It may take many attempts to get your point across clearly.
It may require you to define your terms and the specific words or phrases you mention. And once you define those terms, the other person can understand what you're saying. This principle is that poor communication leads to you being misunderstood.
Principle #12
12) The last principle is that when we communicate, we need to communicate what we believe to be true in love. Your position may be accurate, but it isn't meaningful if not given in the context of love. Dr. Ravi Zacharias says, "If truth is not undergirded by love, it makes the possessor of that truth obnoxious and the truth repulsive." The other person will not receive the truth without love. Communicating with love is more straightforward in relationships where trust and love exist. You tend to take advice from someone who knows you better than a stranger.
Some people make it more challenging to communicate in love because they get offended no matter what you say or how you say it. But if someone is offended by what you say, don't ignore their offense. As soon as somebody's offended, ask yourself, "Did I say something wrong?" Try not to make assumptions and attempt to understand their position.
Even if it seems like you're the only one in a conversation upholding these principles, try hard to do so, and hopefully, the people you're speaking to follow suit. Sometimes, a hostile discussion can make a turn for the better simply because one person keeps a calm demeanor and displays respect for the other person.
Summary
Tough conversations are inevitable. The Bible historically has stirred emotions so much that people live and die for what they believe. Unfortunately, others have even shed blood because of differences in beliefs. In Mark, we read that Jesus said:
"The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31, ESV Bible)
As disciples and followers of Jesus, he expects us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Loving them is not only your neighbor who thinks like you, loves and cares for you, or agrees with everything you say. Loving them is the neighbor who disagrees with you, gets angry with you, and may even hate you. As mature believers, we have to set the tone and display the love of Jesus through our words and actions. These guidelines will help. To summarize, they are:
Pursue truth
Seek to understand before being understood
The other person may have a truth that you do not have
Don't assume or stereotype someone
Being biased does not mean someone is wrong
Talking is thinking
Feeling uncomfortable might be a good thing
Be passionate about an opinion while still listening, understanding, and being open to the contrary
Understand how easy it is to be wrong
Admitting you are wrong is not weakness, but courage
Be precise when explaining yourself
Communicate in love
Action Plan
Recognize that your perspective is not the only valid one. Be open to the possibility that others may have valuable insights or truths that differ from your own.
Before trying to make your point, make sure you understand the other person's perspective. Ask questions and listen actively to build mutual understanding.
Approach conversations with a mindset of seeking truth rather than trying to prove yourself right. This can lead to more meaningful and productive discussions.
Acknowledge your own biases and be open to the biases of others. Recognize that biases can influence how we interpret information and shape our views.
Engage in conversations with kindness, respect, and empathy. Remember that how you communicate is just as important as what you communicate.
Recognize that feeling uncomfortable or challenged in a conversation can be an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding.
Be willing to admit when you've made a mistake or when your perspective has changed based on new information. This shows intellectual honesty and openness to learning.
Clearly articulate your thoughts and beliefs to avoid misunderstandings. Define your terms and be willing to clarify as needed.
You can be passionate about your beliefs while still being open to considering other viewpoints. Passion should not close you off to new ideas.
Study Questions for Reflection
How can being aware of your own biases enhance your ability to engage in meaningful conversations with others?
Why is it important to prioritize the pursuit of truth over winning an argument? How can this mindset improve the quality of your discussions?
How does the principle of seeking to understand before being understood contribute to effective communication? Can you think of a personal experience where this principle was particularly valuable?
In what ways can feeling uncomfortable in a conversation be beneficial? How can you use this discomfort as an opportunity for growth?
Why is admitting you're wrong considered a display of courage? How can this practice improve your relationships and interactions with others?
How does communicating your beliefs in a loving manner impact the reception of your message? Can you think of a time when you experienced the truth of this principle?
What are some practical strategies you can use to become a better listener in conversations? How can active listening improve your understanding of others' perspectives?
How can you maintain passion for your beliefs while remaining open to considering other viewpoints? Why is this balance important in constructive dialogue?